Recently, I've been having a difficult time with
body image.
This summer I worked at McDonald’s for a little less
than 40 hours a week. Many of my shifts were over eight hours and I was
required to take a half an hour break. At first, I would bring my lunch every
day, convinced that I didn’t like fast food. Before working at McDonald’s, I
had probably eaten fast food a total of three times last year. But while
working I would find myself craving the food once in a while.
And once I started, I couldn’t stop.
I’m not saying that McDonald’s is the only reason I
gained weight this summer. I was also very inactive because I was tired from
working shifts at work that started at 6 AM and I would find myself dragging
and being lazy. I drank more this summer than I have in my life, since it was
my first summer at home as a 21 year old. I found myself adopting bad habits. I didn't want to put my sneakers on because of my new foot tattoo and I didn't even have a gym membership anyway. I
was watching Netflix in bed during the middle of the day, ordering iced coffee
every day to keep me going and going out to eat with family or friends I wanted
to catch up with at least three times a week.
I was becoming a person I didn’t really know. I’ve
never been very athletic growing up, but I’ve always been active. I was always
involved in some unusual extracurricular activity like horseback riding, dance,
and ice skating.
However, sneakers have never been important to me…when
I horseback rode it was riding boots, when I danced it was dance shoes, when I
ice skated it was ice skates. I never really wore sneakers as a kid either,
besides that weird skater shoes stage my generation went through during middle
school. I would wear sneakers during gym class, where any organized sport that
involved a ball would either scare me or bore me. Buying sneakers was something
that didn’t interest me. It reminded me of gym class and the fact that a
basketball seemed to magically and painfully knock my glasses off my face every
year.
I really just couldn't get excited about getting sweaty during the middle of a school day.
I got these sneakers when I was in high school, I needed
new gym shoes and these were the first ones I saw in the store (plus they were
on sale, heyyyy). I didn’t even try them on, I grabbed my size and I bought them
without a second thought. I considered them to fall into the category of shoes
I’m required to own, rather than ones I NEED to own…if that makes any sense.
What has been hard for me is coming to grips with my
body changing. I’ve weighed about the same since I was in middle school and
recently it’s been different. My clothes aren’t fitting like they used to. What’s
the worst for me is the thought process that comes along with a changing body. My
image of my body is very skewed, thanks to my new obsession with weighing
myself.
Surprisingly, I’ve found that I’m extremely
unmotivated to change my situation. To make matters worse, my boyfriend, Jake,
is a Health and Wellness Management major and the way he was talking to me for
a while as if he was my personal trainer rather than my boyfriend.
For a while, I wasn’t sure who to talk to. My
boyfriend was having a hard time distinguishing his girlfriend from one of his
clients. My friends would laugh and joke that I look just as skinny as I always
have.
I was starting to have bad thoughts. I would feel
guilty every time I ate, even if I was eating something that was good for my
body. I would weigh myself a ridiculous number of times every day, noting every
change. I would try to avoid food and distract myself, but then I would be so
hungry that I would binge on something that was terrible for me. I was getting
into bad habits…habits that I know are typical of an eating disorder.
Last night, I was about to go out for some drinks with
some friends. I was getting ready while Jake was hanging out in my room and as
I took off my shirt, I looked into the mirror and broke down crying. Jake wasn’t
sure what to do so he just hugged me and kissed my forehead.
“Why don’t you just go be with a super skinny girl
that likes sports and fitness?” I asked through tears.
He didn’t even skip a beat.
“Because I don’t want to be with anyone else. I love
you for who you are, not what you look like. You’re goofy and you make me
laugh. We love all the same things, well besides sports," he laughed. "But I’d rather come home at
the end of the day to you than some skinny athletic girl that I have nothing to
talk to about.”
The next morning I woke up, put my sneakers on and
went for a run. I did crunches and used weights in my living room. For the past
week I’d been trying to watch what I eat, but nothing’s changed for me. I know
working out is what will help me back to my healthy body, on top of eating
better. I just I don’t need only a diet change, I need a lifestyle change.
I don’t expect immediate results by any means, but I
want to strive to be healthy again. I want to feel happy with my body again and
comfortable in my clothes. Slipping into my sneakers this morning was a
different experience than when I usually put them on. Instead of feeling like a
lethargic gym student, I felt empowered.
When it comes down to it, I’m the only one that can
make the change that I need in my life to have a healthy lifestyle. My new
mindset will majorly help. And I’m hoping that my new opinion about my sneakers
will help a little bit too.
